This month has been one for the books. A lot of ups and downs, ins and outs. Fortunately, I'm on an upswing. Thank you Christmas!
As I mentioned before, I saw a neurologist about my migraines. He prescribed the physical therapy (which has already made a big difference!), a new 'when-I-get-a-migraine' medicine (still haven't filled that one...anyone have $100 lying around?), a preventative called Zonisamide, and no more caffeine. I quit caffeine that day and got the Zonisamide. Everything went quite well for the first few days (caffeine withdrawal headaches aside)-I didn't get a migraine, I was getting plenty of sleep, my attitude perked up and I was pretty happy for the most part. Unfortunately, I did a complete 180 after only five or so days on the medicine, and completely bottomed out about 3 days later. Literaly. It was honestly the scariest thing I can ever remember going through.
I normally am able to focus on what's going on, and catch myself (at least to some degree) when I'm feeling down and can then work through whatever trial is at hand, be it a new manifestation of an old concern or a new one all-together. My dad has definitely helped in this process over the last several years (thanks Dad!). I started noticing though that I was sinking fast. I started getting down on a Sunday. Monday and Tuesday were progressively harder to work through, and I began to get an idea that something was wrong, but I didn't take the time to really sit and figure it out.
I started my physical therapy early on Wednesday morning and went straight to work, where I knew after only an hour or so that something was seriously wrong. I was fine when it was just me, but after we had been open only an hour or so I couldn't stay still. Everygthing was getting on my nerves, and I was jittery. It reached a point where I could not focus-my first desire was to start running. Somewhere, anywhere, as long as I possibly could and longer. Knowing I couldn't do that, I took a 15 minute break (I NEVER take 15's) and walked briskly around the Gateway Mall on a day where the temperature didn't even get to 30. My face was numb by the end, but I had expended some of my energy and finally was able to focus to some small degree on getting online orders out (our online store, almost discontinued, blew last year's numbers out of the water and will now live on (YAY!)). Another indication that something was totally wrong came in that I could not tolerate what I perceived as lazy behavior in my coworkers. While I normally make myself look at a situation more objectively, I had to force myself to not blow the situation out of the water completely. As it was I did later apologize to one coworker who got the short end of my temper (though it was much tempered, it was rather extreme of me).
I made it through the workday only by sheer force of will and the help of the Spirit, for I did not do it alone. My coworkers caught on after a bit that something was NOT right (thanks Megan and Joe especially!) and the day eventually came to a close--but not until about 7:30 or 8:00 as I did the night's reports on my own and then remembered that another register had to be set up for the next day. I had come to suspect early in the day that the Zonisamide was playing a part, and I definitely received a confirmation of that after getting home and taking another dose. Oh dear.
I swung quickly from extreme frustration to anxiety attacks (which I've never had before that night) to sobbing uncontrollably, all within minutes or even seconds of each other. The only times I felt any peace at all that night were in a short but definitely earnest prayer and later when I received a Father's Blessing, without which I would have gone to the hospital. Fortunately I had the next day off. I slept in, and then (foolishly) drove to my neurologist's office. I was feeling more or less ok that morning, but shortely after arriving everything came back almost full-swing. I think I scared the receptionist (which was kind of funny in hind-sight, but not then) and barely lasted the 10 or 15 minute wait for the doctor's response, which was to stop taking the medicine (well duh!) and come back in a week. Arg. I spent the rest of the day napping on the couch and watching Star Trek (Chris Pine does an amazing job, and Zachary Quinto's right up there with him).
The next six days were bumpy at best with frequent anxiety issues, though each day got a little better. One friend finally explained what was going on-Organic Depression triggered by the Zonisamide. It was a small relief just to have an idea, a name to go with the roller-coaster ride. I finally saw the neurologist again a week after my trip to his office. After apologizing to the receptionist, that is ;). I was told to list Zonisamide as an allergy in the future and given a new preventative--one that I've been on before and didn't react to negatively. I also learned that the medicine was completely out of my system 3 days after I stopped taking it, though I personally was still trying to recover. No more anxiety, finally able to concentrate, no more tip-toeing around words at work (well, no more than usual, anyways) the next day. Ah, relief.
I think I'll end this one here and start another for Christmas. Bravo to those who read this whole thing :)
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