The effect of Dad's diagnosis was profound and reverberated deeply down to the foundation of our family. The waves rippled out into not only our immediate relatives but to extended family and even the families of our in-laws. The ripples lightly splashed some and veritably drenched others.
It was a revelatory experience for multiple people, but as I said in the prelude each person's story is their own and I will let them share or not as they will. I will try to limit my own words regarding others to what they themselves have shared openly.
Externally speaking, the effects were most visible to me in my parents. For Mom it answered so many questions, so very many questions about their relationship and marriage. She looked back and was able to see things she had never seen before, including the unique ways Dad showed is deep, deep love for her that had previously been lost in translation. It has been amazing over the last two years to watch her fall in love with him all over again! Everything was seen in a new and refreshing light bringing far more answers than could ever have been had pre-diagnosis.
Dad was reeling from the experience of getting tested and was deeply impacted by the official diagnosis. As I mentioned in my last post he was examining and reexamining so many memories and habits, tendencies and preferences. Nothing had changed but everything was different. There were answers, yes, so many answers, and yet his frame of reference for processing everything had been fundamentally altered. The months prior to his diagnosis had been occupied a lot by discussion of autism and what his results would be, yet by the time his appointment approached he was done. He wanted nothing to do with it. During his test he thought that it was a waste of time, it was obvious that he wasn't autistic. "Really?" The hinted incredulity in the tester's response was the first indication he had that his perception of his answers were not nearly as "normal" as he thought.
The next few days, weeks and months had a profound impact on him and by extension me. On receiving word of his official diagnosis I spent some serious time reflecting on what it meant for him, on thinking back to my own experiences with and knowledge of him, and on my perceptions of his tendencies and 'pecadillos' that made him uniquely him. We went to lunch in those first few days and talked a lot about the whole thing. I was grateful for the chance to spend time with my dad and learn more about him, and he expressed gratitude for the chance to talk about everything and discuss it all, and that I was able to talk about how it had impacted me and discuss what I thought of the whole situation. We spent days and weeks talking about it, and I will forever be grateful for that time we spent together and for just how openly my father discussed his experiences and shared his thoughts.
So many people, the vast majority of people, when they hear that someone is autistic are inclined to immediately jump into stories of their own autistic relatives' or neighbors' children. Alternately they seem to lose the capacity to converse with that person altogether, not knowing what to say or feeling completely out of their depth. I want to say right now that you already know more autistic people than you think. While many of the statistics being touted today regarding autism refer to children, guess what! Those children grow to be adults. Those adults are still autistic, though some of us "pass" for "normal" more than others. We may have different social cues than others but we are still out there, and you already talk to us and work with us on a regular basis. About one in every 60 or so of the people you meet in Utah are autistic. People, not just children. Anyways, moving on.
During the time prior to my dad's diagnosis he was called once again as Gospel Doctrine teacher in our ward. While he is an amazing teacher, it left quite a few people in our ward puzzled and sometimes ... indignant? Is that the right word? He had been virtually inactive for several years prior to the calling, and so many people had no idea why or thought that it was inappropriate that he should be called to teach a class on doctrines that he hadn't been seen to be following by attending church, etc. I will say right now that he has one of the strongest testimonies of anyone I know, and he did not lose it during that time!
My dad finally saw fit to let the ward know about his diagnosis during a fast and testimony meeting, after which while it answered many questions in the ward it changed how people interacted with him. While it mostly seems to have resulted in greater patience, a good thing, it has had one disheartening effect--people don't really talk to him anymore. He used to gave amazing conversations with ward members after his Gospel Doctrine lessons when they'd discuss the lesson he'd taught, or when they'd seek his (amazingly insightful!!) perspective on struggles they were facing in their own lives or with various family members. He has such great love for the gospel and such a great perspective on the scriptures! I never see him more passionate and tuned in than when we discuss gospel principles and how we apply them in our lives.
Moving on to the rest of the family, as I said each person's story is their own. Within a year and a half of my dad's diagnosis the younger of my two brothers, three of my nephews and one of my nieces had also received official autism diagnoses, with another nephew likely. Several adults in our family are now self-diagnosed but have chosen for various reasons of their own to not seek official testing. As to the family-diagnosed part, it spreads up and down on both sides of the family and into the family of our in-laws. I will not mention names or relationships here, though, as that is not part of my story or any of my business to share. There is one exception, and that is to mention that in discussing whether or not one particular member of my family is autistic, Mom said "well if [they are], then Deborah definitely is".
While initially I could see why she had say that, I disagreed politely and moved on with my day. The thought would occasionally (and by occasionally I really mean all-consumingly) pop into my mind though, and I decided to pray about it the next day. The Lord very clearly said, paraphrasing here, 'why yes, yes you are'.
Next Installment: Finding Me - Finding Out
Previous Installment: Finding Me - Nothing's Changed but Everything's Different
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